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This is less a review and more a lamentation. If anything, it is a lamentation. The whole reading experience for me got off to a very rocky start, I’d preordered it on Amazon India the day it was announced and somehow, I received it last. After everyone else including the ones who ordered it the day it released. Which totally put me off reading it. I’d lost all my excitement and anticipation and instead was about to cancel when I got the notification that it was out for delivery.

So I waited and waited and finally, around 4 in the evening, the doorbell rang. I opened the door, paid, ripped off the cover and started reading it. Then I stopped ten pages in and put it down, unable to pick it up again till a couple of days later. It was not even remotely interesting.

After I finished, which took a bit of effort, I had a few thoughts. Here they are, listed in order.

1. What the hell is Panju? It means cotton. Or short for Punjabi. And Padma Patil isn’t a Punjabi. So that makes ZERO sense. Unless it’s the short form of an old fashioned Indian name.
2. When did Rowling become a Bollywood script writer? I don’t think she had ANYTHING to do with this. Because if she did, her writing days are over.
3. When are the characters so cheesy and pathetic?
4. To the people who are screaming “it was obvious they are a couple and then Rose interfered” or whatever. Please read properly. It was obvious from the very beginning that he liked Rose.
5. I think I’ve understood this. It’s a spoof of Harry Potter. Yup.

Firstly, it is in script form. Which isn’t a problem for me, a lot of my friends are theatre actors/writers and I read lines with them. I am used to play/script form. The problem for me was how each female character, save for Hermione, seemed totally pathetic and worthless. Ginny? Seriously? Strong headed, sensible Ginny wouldn’t take the rubbish Harry throws at everyone in this book and to be fair it seemed like Harry and Draco had somehow switched places. Ron has been turned into the court jester and as for the others? Well they are as absent as can be. Minerva McGonagall seems like a whiny sniffling woman and Hagrid is conveniently absent. It was just an absolute mess.

The saving grace was the characterisation of Scorpius. His and Albus’ friendship was good as well and no, it does not read like a romance to me. It was very obviously a friendship from the very beginning, this isn’t even a spoiler but it’s also obvious that Scorpius liked Rose from the very first time he saw her. If you aren’t used to watching Japanese Anime maybe such a close male friendship might seem odd to you, it did not seem odd to me. It was a brilliant bromance.

I can’t accept that this was Rowling’s standard. It isn’t. I know her writing, I grew up on Harry Potter and this seemed more disrespectful of the series than anything. It reads like fan fic, written by a fan who doesn’t write much. I can’t believe I wasted my money on this when I could have picked up something else….the illustrated GOT or something else. Sigh. I’m glad I wasn’t excited for it, imagine how hard the crash would have been.

As many others have said, this is a way for the others who actually wrote the book to make a quick buck off the HP enterprise. Read this if you can’t bring yourself not to. Else, let it go. As for me, I’m going to pretend this never existed and that the Harry Potter series ended with number 7.

*If you are offended by my review please continue to be offended. I am entitled to my opinion as much as you are to yours.